Life can change in the blink of an eye. On the turn of a dime.
It’s May 3 and Day 33 of my Camino. I’m in Portomarin, Spain, only 66 km from Santiago de Compostela, the end of my journey, and about 800 km from the place my walk began – St. Jean Pied de Port in France. I wake up feeling wonderful, still high from yesterday’s trek, the new friends I’d connected with, and our meaningful conversations.
And then I pick up my phone to a mountain of messages that sound an instant alarm inside me. The one on top is from my daughter, travelling the world and currently in Hawaii. “Mama, I heard what happened. I’m so sorry. How are you doing?” Heartbeat speeding up. Hands getting clammy. Panic striking like lightning. I quickly scroll to the next message and read this from a neighbour on our street back home: “Renée, no one was hurt but there was a fire at your house tonight.”
Three hours later, after long, tear-filled conversations with my partner and my daughter, I step out onto the path. But the Camino has changed. My gait is unsteady, my feet are heavy, and my heart and my mind are at home in Halifax, no longer in Spain.
I keep replaying the story of the fire in my mind, feeling so grateful that no one was hurt, but also so devastated for our family and for my partner Malve who is dealing with all of this on her own. I want to run home but I am far from a major airport and I keep hearing Malve’s words in my head: “There’s nothing you can do, my love. I’ll take care of things until you get home. It’s only a few days. Please finish your walk. I know how much it means to you.”
In that moment, I whisper a prayer to my spirit guides and the Divine asking that they put someone in my path who will help me get through the day and make the tough decision to end my Camino or continue on.
Within minutes (I’m not kidding), I meet Mary. Not only is she from Halifax (the first person I’ve met from my home city) but when I tell her about the fire and burst into tears, she hugs me close and cries with me. She then spends the next four hours at my side, matching my slow pace and listening, occasionally offering words of wisdom and encouragement. By the end of our time together, and after doing another check-in with Malve, I know that I will finish what I began. I will complete this long walk and then I will return home.
What I couldn’t know then, but what I can clearly see now, is that finishing the Camino actually grounded me and made me stronger and more resilient in the face of this other journey we are now on. I can still sense a steady hand at my back, like I did the day after the fire, guiding me forward, and putting helpers in my path. And I’m very grateful to Malve for knowing how important it was that I finish and for supporting me to do so.
Our home is currently being gutted, due to extensive smoke and water damage, and will have to be completely rebuilt. This will likely take about a year, and in the meantime, our days have been full of work with remediation companies and meetings with insurance adjusters and general contractors.
I don’t know why things happen the way they do. Life can seem so unfair. But what I do know is that even in the face of this massive upheaval, there has been so much support. Our beautiful community of friends has spent the last eight weeks delivering meals, checking in to make sure we’re okay, and helping us set up our new home.
When people ask how I am, I often say that I am balancing grief and devastation with gratitude. And also joy. Since the fire, there have been visits with old friends who just happened to be in town, an anniversary of a death, and a graduation. There has been raucous laughter, tears about other things, and moments of real contentment. Life continues to move forward.
It’s true that my Camino did not end the way I expected. And it’s also true that managing our lives post-fire has largely eclipsed my journey across Spain. However, I know that I will return to it and I will write more about my Camino one day. In the meantime, I am trying to lean into the simultaneous discomfort and magic of this time. I am willing to be surprised and delighted.
ps. Here are a few photos from my Camino. If you are interested in seeing more, check out Instagram where I posted more pics of the different stages of my walk.